How to Throw a Great Page:
an opinionated guide to creating groovy homepages

Limp, bored, and completely brain - dead, I sag into the couch and begin to drool. I'm a real potato tonight. Why? I spent 10 hours on the Web today looking for interesting and unusual homepages.

Do you know how many pictures of family pets I saw? And how 'bout all those wedding pictures? (Jeez! Wedding pictures are boring enough when you know the folks gettin' hitched...)

And my eyes? I have scientifically determined that it takes being assaulted by exactly 64 Photoshop nightmares before my eyes begin to cross.

I'm frazzled, frustrated, and ... yes, I guess it's true... a bit angry. I am T I R E D of swimming through so many stupid, god-awful, personal pages before I find one that makes me want to boogie.

So please indulge me a bit as I offer my not so humble opinions on how to throw a good homepage... er... or at least make sure it doesn't flop.

Smart Homepage Builders know how to throw a party.

Hey! Where are the nuts? How come the ice cube trays are empty? It sucks to feel that the host of a party didn't prepare properly for your arrival. Good hosts and good web builders anticipate their guests, and they engage them just as they walk through the door -- with a splash of punch or bright words. They gather coats, fluff pillows, make eye-contact, and make each and every guest feel welcome -- whether it's a small tea party or a rowdy, crowded celebration. When a guest walks through the door, a host shouldn't bombard that person with cumbersome conversation (a barrage of text) or sensory-overloading tours (Photoshop nightmares, garish backgrounds, etc.). Good hosts allow their guests to get comfortable with the environs before the big debates and party games begin.

Good web builders know this very important secret: even though a site may receive thousands of hits each day, each visit is an intimate, one-on-one experience for the visitor. He or she is coming to meet you. With an inviting tone and a considered and uncluttered design, make your visitor feel welcome in your world.

Smart Homepage Builders go easy on the JeezWiz and the WizBang.

Continuing our party metaphor... Don't make your guests sick! Avoid clashing appetizers. Monitor the champagne carefully. You want your guests to go home and remember what a great time they had at your party. You don't want them hung over and fighting migraines. In Web terms, this means: go easy on the crazy backgrounds, the real - shocking - java - wave - marimba - plugins, the cat and wedding pictures. When it comes to parties and homepages, simple is NEVER boring. You'll impress us more by just being yourself. Oh, sure... wear a little perfume, decorate the house a bit, but don't let that get in the way of your guests getting to know you -- the REAL you.

Smart Homepage Builders dazzle and delight with a few surprises.

Potato chips, party mix, and Pictionary are fine. It's just that they're rather ordinary. Why not throw your guests a curve ball or two? Gently, of course. Gosh, a sweet surprise may be enough to encourage the wallflowers to leave their corners in order to bloom in the middle of the party. And, hey... you know how word gets around. Soon, everyone will know about the great parties you throw.

Get it? Everyone is putting pictures of their cats up on the Web. Why not do something different? Tell us about your most embarrassing moment. Take a picture of the inside of your medicine cabinet and describe its contents in detail for us. Show us what you look like in your boxer shorts. Twinkies or Ding Dongs? List the six strangest uses for a head of cabbage. We don't want to see ordinary photos from your trip across the country. We'd rather see pictures of all of the cops who stopped you on the highway. Do you collect stamps and jars of fancy mustard? Well, shoot, we'd much rather hear about the mustard! SURPRISE US!

Smart Homepage Builders know that the real purpose of the party is not to entertain but...

...to connect with others. People go to parties to meet people, to share, to get to know themselves in new ways, to watch what happens when friends let go and relax. The real fun begins when defenses, facades, and politeness drop away and people get down, dirty, and real. The more candid and warm a host can be, the faster the party will find that delicious rhythm in which real connection is possible.

Homepage Builders, show us how human you are. Let us connect with you. Invite us into your world. Don't lock the medicine cabinet door because we'd like to peek inside. We want to look in your underwear drawer. We want to see the goofy pictures in your high school yearbook. We want to count the jars of mustard in your refrigerator. Okay, sure... it takes a lot of courage to make that much of yourself available to the world. But who knows... you may just make a true-blue friend or two. Just be sure you include your e-mail address so that the party can begin.